Okay you guys, this is the last Letters post for awhile - I promise.   We'll move on to something else tomorrow.   But I had to post this one.  It's just too sexy not to post.  You'll understand shortly... 


Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine;


I have written a column about 100 ways to spice up your sex life.  I think this piece would be a refreshing departure from your usual lineup.

I promise, you have never, ever, ever heard these ones before.  These are completely new concepts.  My article does not contain one single word that your readers will recognize from previous issues.  I have most definitely not listed exactly the same things on every other list you have ever published except with a few bizarre twists that no guy actually wants done to him.

My revolutionary list entices the reader to "try massaging your partner's perineum with Neosporin" or "tie your partner up with a rope made from completely renewable resources that costs $4 more than other ropes" or "try exploring each other's erogenous zones - and do it while wearing a scuba mask and singing along to Sting's 'Every Breath You Take.'"

And I have liberally applied the concept of combining the word "sex" with other words.  For sexample:  sexceptional, sexorcism, sextraterrestrial, sexcommunication, sexistentialism, sexport, sextermination, sexaggerate, sextrapolate, sexponential, sextreme, sextemporaneous, sex (that's sex combined with ex - like if you had sex with your ex boyfriend, you'd say you had "sex." LOL), FedSex, complsexity, sextrovert, sexamination, sextortion, sexplosive diarrhea, Kleensex, Microsoftcore sExcel, sexcalibur, sexacerbate, sexalted, sexasperated, sexcavation, sexceedingly, sexcrement, sexcretions, sexcruciating, sexcuse me, sexcuse moi?, sexecutive branch, sexecutive power, sexecution, sExedrine, sexemplify, sexonerate and my personal favorite, which is the very embodiment of what your magazine is all about: sexfoliate.  ISN'T THAT THE MOST AWESOME THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?   I bet you are just shitting yourselves over being able to publish that word for the first time.

But that list is not representative of the magnitude of my actual collection of sex/word hybrids - it is just a sexerpt!  If you want, I can sexplain more clearly.  LOL (that means "laughing out loud" which I'm not really doing - more like chuckling or merely breathing a little faster, but still).

If you don't feel comfortable publishing such a reformative piece, I have also prepared a list of 10 Must-Have Items for Fall.   Just a hint - it doesn't include an EPMotion automatic pipetting machine.  Or does it??

You won't regret your decision to publish me.

-Allie


Dear Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition;

Here is my submission:

You're welcome.

-Allie


Dear Time Magazine;

I am writing to request inclusion on your list of 100 Most Influential People.   I don't know if you've noticed, but I have over 100 followers on Blogger.   I get roughly 200 page hits every single day.  Well, except for Saturday and Sunday.  Apparently my readers have better things to do on the weekend than devote every waking second to reading my blog and commenting.  It's okay.  My feelings aren't hurt or anything.

Anyway, I would like it if you would include me on your list - possibly in your top 10.  And please use the following picture on my two-page spread:

Because I think your readers would appreciate seeing a sexy woman featured prominently in your magazine. I mean, don't you think they ever get tired of constantly seeing boring pictures of men in suits?  Playboy didn't get famous for covering the conflict in the Middle East.  Just saying...

Anyway, you can visit my blog if you want to check out my qualifications.   I think you'll find my style to be intelligent and engaging yet never heavy-handed.  I address tough issues with poise and clarity while still maintaining the image that I am speaking directly to each and every American.  I'm kind of like a younger, whiter, female-er Obama.
Okay, TTYL.

-Allie

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I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.

I originally intended to become a doctor or medical researcher.  I thought that I wanted to save people, discover things and change the world.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just want to sit on my couch in my underpants all day.

This is why I need you to make me famous by Thursday.  Thursday is the day that I officially graduate from college.  Back in January, I thought I would be ecstatic when this day finally came.  I now realize that graduating is a huge mistake.  I wish I could take it back, but I can't.  At this point I can't even fail.  I am starting to panic.  

It doesn't have to be this way.  

If my blog can become famous and profitable, I will be rescued from the brink of adulthood.   If my blog becomes famous, it is possible that I will never have to wear pants again!  You have no idea how much this would mean to me.  I hate pants. 

Here is what you can do to help:

*Wear a brown ribbon in honor of my cause (nobody has dibs on brown yet, right?)  This will not only help me, but it will raise awareness for terminally adult people all over the world.  

*Run down the street screaming about how awesome my blog is.  Make sure to clearly annunciate the URL (spell it out if you have to.) 

*Hang up a banner outside your door that says "help rescue the author of hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com from impending adulthood." 

*Make flyers to support my cause.  Neon green and yellow would probably be good background colors for the flyers you make.  Just FYI.  

*Take out a phonebook.  Start dialing in the A's somewhere.  Educate the call recipient about my plight.  If they resist, ask them if they ever had a dream.  Use their first name if it is listed.  Try to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side.  But don't be inefficient!  If you sense that the person is a heartless bastard who will not change their position no matter how much you plead, move on to the next name.  This is a numbers game and you can't get them all.  

*Call your local radio station.  Dedicate a song to me - preferably "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.  Once again, make sure to clearly annunciate all syllables in my blog URL.  I cannot stress how important this is.    

That's all you have to do to assure that my future can be spent pants-less and happy!  Is that too much to ask? 

P.S.  I am completely serious about this.  How funny would it be if someone actually did some of these things?  Even if I don't get famous, I would probably be able to live the rest of my life in complete happiness knowing that some person, somewhere did these things in my honor.  

If you take a movie/picture of yourself doing any of these things, I will post it on my soon-to-be super famous blog along with a description of how awesome you are.  

P.P.S.  I wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didn't believe me.  

Category: articles

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