I win things every day.
Does that mean I'm awesome?
Probably.
But it also means that I am really good at coming up with totally arbitrary challenges for myself to win. That's right: I make up contests in my head just so that I can win them and feel good about myself.
For example:
If I guess what time it is and I am even reasonably close to the actual time - I win.
If I am pumping gas and I get the price to equal X amount of dollars and zero cents - I win. Even if I have to pump some gas on the ground to do it.
If I can hold my breath for a whole minute - I win.
If I meet someone and I try to guess their name before they tell me what it is and it turns out that their name starts with the same letter as the name I guessed - I win. Then, if I space out because I am thinking about how much I won and I suddenly realize that I have no idea what the other person is talking about and that they just finished a sentence and their voice kind of went up at the end which means that they asked me a question and now they expect me to answer and I say "yes" because I figure that is a pretty common answer and the person doesn't notice that I wasn't listening because "yes" was the answer they were looking for - I win.
If I can find a matching pair of socks - I win. I win double if I can do it in under a minute.
If I am on a date with Boyfriend and I finish my hamburger before he finishes his - I win.
If I am reading a Pottery Barn catalog and I find the most expensive item - I win.
Along those same lines: If I am in the grocery store and I happen upon the wine aisle and I find the most expensive wine - I win. I win again if I can find the cheapest wine. If I can find a wine for under $3, I get drunk and then I win again.
If I am eating potato chips and I find a chip that is folded over on itself - I win. If I find two folded chips in a row, I win and I also get good luck for nine whole years.
If I look at a clock and it happens to be exactly something o'clock and zero seconds- I win.
If I type twenty words in a row without hitting backspace - I win.
If I pick up a deck of cards and yell "clubs!" and then draw a card and it isn't a club - I don't win, but I will yell "clubs!" again and keep picking cards until I pick the right suit and
then I win.
If I am walking on a sidewalk and I manage not to step on even a single crack - I win. And my mother's back remains unbroken, so she wins too. And when my mom wins, I win, so that means I win double! Heyyyo!
If I buy something and it costs an even dollar-amount - I win... even if I don't actually have that dollar amount. You should definitely get store credit for checking out with an even dollar-amount...
If I close my eyes and throw a wadded up piece of paper at Boyfriend and I hit him - I win. If I hit him in the face, I win double. If he gets all pissed off and says "stop it," I win because I guessed he was going to say that ahead of time and I was right.
If I wake up in the morning and I really have to pee and when I pee, I pee for longer than I have ever peed before (at least on record) - I win. I may be the only person in the world who keeps records of how long they can pee, but look at it this way: you don't get to win as much as me, do you? I bet that puts it in perspective...
If I spell Fahrenheit correctly without needing to use Spellcheck - I win.
If I spill cereal on the floor and I guess a number that is even somewhat close to the actual number of cereal pieces on my floor - I win.
And I don't have to pick up the cereal because I won. Duh. You'd think that this would be a simple concept to grasp, but Boyfriend struggles with it. He asks "wait...you won
what?" And I say "I guessed the right number of cereals on the floor!" And he says "and that means that you don't have to pick them up...?" And I say "exactly!" And then he starts lecturing me about the "real world" and blah, blah, blah...
Even today, I went for a run with Boyfriend, and I ended up winning. We ran on a long, straight stretch of road before turning off onto a different road. Just before we turned off on the other road, I heard a car coming up behind us and I realized that it was the first car we'd seen on that particular stretch of road. I immediately thought "
I can't let it pass me because if I make it to the end of this road without getting passed by a single car, I win!"
I started sprinting so that I could beat the car to the end of the road.
Boyfriend looked at me weird and then the driver of the car looked at me strangely too, but none of that mattered because I won!
This all may seem silly until you consider that I get to be a champion on a daily - sometime hourly - basis. In fact, I probably won more stuff than anyone else today, so I win again!
Winning is easy when you put your mind to it! Sometimes I think I should become an inspirational speaker and try to enrich the lives of others with my winning ways.
And then I realize that if everyone else was winning as much as me, I may be in jeopardy of losing at winning the most. Then I give up on helping people and simply devote the rest of my life to winning as many pointless contests as possible... until I realize that I can actually win at
losing the most, at which point I will cease to be even the least bit productive because I will finally have an excuse for being lazy.
Banana.
Guess what that was?
If you guessed a contest in which I challenged myself to integrate the word "banana" into the end of a blog post, you are right! You win! And I win because I said banana.
P.S. I also win because I wrote two posts in a row with titles written in caps and I didn't even know it.
P.P.S. It is 12:00 exactly so I win again.
P.P.P.S. I win for writing a post-post-post-script.
Edit: I was just informed that my behavior may actually be a sign of uncontrolled OCD. Does that mean I lose?
