Friday, October 16, 2009

I Am So Broken...

Okay, so I sat down to write a funny post about how I will never be able to make money from this blog because I am so messed up in the head, but it didn't really turn out like I thought it would.  It started out a little funny then actually got a little serious.  But I'm posting it anyway because I am feeling irrational right now.  Here goes....

I think I may have mentioned several times how I don't have a job and I have been getting a lot of feedback from you guys via comments and email saying "DUH, Allie... why don't you make blogging your job and that way you can make money and also keep entertaining all of us."

And yes, that would pretty much be the most awesome thing ever - but here's the problem:  I am paralyzed by confusion, doubt and the complete inability to ask anyone for anything.

For example: Last night, I went out to eat at a cafe where they sell cheap burgers that are probably made out of cat meat but I don't want to think about it.  After I ate my cat-burger, I was really thirsty but my water was gone.  It was late, so the waitress was not busy - in fact, she was sitting there doing nothing about 10 feet from me.  But did I ask her for water?  No.  I got up to go fill my cup from the bathroom sink.  Luckily the waitress saw me getting up and asked me if I needed anything at which point I felt huge relief for not having to drink bathroom water but still had trouble croaking out "could I get more water, please?" because I am psychologically broken.

Being broken like I am, it is very hard for me to ask you guys for anything.  I feel like it is my job to write stuff and just sit here and hope that someday some guy in a zoot suit (he will definitely be wearing a zoot suit because people do that sometimes) will walk up to me and say "I will pay you one million dollars to write your blog even though you are already doing it for free..."

And then I would say "oh, you don't have to do that..." because I am weak and stupid and I can't even accept gifts in my own damn fantasy because I am more worried about being liked by the imaginary man in the zoot suit than I am about being able to afford real heat or a real bed or real food.

I mean, I can ask people to do joke-y stuff for me, like propagate the Mandatory Sex Party thing, but as soon as it comes to asking for something real and serious, like helping to promote me or donating or any of the other possible crap I could potentially ask you guys to do if I was braver and less unsure of myself - I completely shut down and will not do it.  I just start worrying too much about how I don't deserve it and how I look stupid for ever thinking I would be worthy of something like that.

Is that bad?

Probably.

At any rate, I would love nothing more than to do this for a living if I could just get my head around the fact that people actually like reading what I write and I am actually a good blogger and plenty of other bloggers get paid to do what I do for free.

But will I be able to make myself understand that?  Probably not.  I will probably end up sitting in a corner, shaking from self-doubt because I wrote an honest post about how I want to make money from blogging and I think that people will look at it and think "who the hell does she think she is?  She is not nearly good enough to be a professional blogger!   I could write posts about mandatory sex parties in my sleep - even if I was retarded and wearing chinese finger traps on all of my fingers..."  And even though no one actually said that or thought that I will start crying because maybe someone thought that and I believe it is true even though I made it up and I probably should have stayed in therapy long enough to work on some of my self-esteem issues but I didn't.

Yes.  You heard that correctly.  I will become emotionally distraught over an imaginary scenario that has no bearing in reality and I will believe this fabrication over the real world evidence presented by my StatCounter that says at least 1,500 unique people like me every day.  I will pass that off by saying - "oh, most of those people probably got here on accident and then thought I was lame so they left..." and then I will focus on the part in this post where I said "I would love nothing more than to do this for a living if I could just get my head around the fact that people actually like reading what I write and I am actually a good blogger and plenty of other bloggers get paid to do what I do for free" and I will begin to question whether there is any validity to that statement whatsoever because now I am sure that people hate me and think I'm lame and why did I even write that?

And then I will continue to spiral into a self-esteem crisis just like every other time I put myself out there and risk sounding stupid.

This is really how my mind works.

I am sorry this post wasn't funnier.  I had to get it off my chest.

I promise I'll write something funny when I am done being all pessimistic and self-critical.

Thank you for reading and making me feel good about myself every day.  Even if I never make a cent from this blog, I will still love doing it.

Febriana Febriana

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