Monday, October 5, 2009

Letters: Volume 4








Dear Stairs;

I hope I never fall down you.

Have a good day!

-Allie


Dear Cheese Grater:

Have you ever thought about self improvement?  I mean, you have a successful career and everything, but I think everyone can agree that you haven't reached your potential yet.  Haven't you ever wanted to be the absolute best you can be? No?

Okay.

-Allie

Dear Orange Juice;

Thanks for being awesome.  No other juice could ever compare to you.   Not even strawberry - kiwi.

-Allie

Dear Readers;

You realize I am writing letters to inanimate objects, right?

Well, did you realize that I just wrote a letter to juice?  Juice isn't even an object.  It's... juice.

But you're still reading, huh?

Just checking.

-Allie 


Dear squirrels;


Why won't you let me catch you??  Can't you see that I really need to touch your delightfully furry little bodies?   You are so cute and I just want to pet you.  I won't keep you.  At least not for long.   



DEAR CAPS LOCK;

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??  DO YOU HAVE A BREAD CRUMB IN YOU?  I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EAT WHILE TYPING.   I AM SORRY I MADE A MISTAKE AND RUINED YOU, BUT IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE, I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER DRIP BURRITO GREASE ON YOU EVER AGAI -   


- WAIT, WHAT?  


NO, I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU.  IT ONLY LOOKS LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE BROKEN. 


NO, NO, NO - I'M NOT BLAMING YOU.  IT'S... JUST... I COULD REALLY COMMUNICATE A LOT MORE EFFECTIVELY IF IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE I WAS YELLING, THAT'S ALL.   IT IS HARD TO EXPRESS SYMPATHY WHILE YELLING.  IT IS ALSO HARD TO EXPRESS SINCERITY.  PLEASE JUST BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT I AM NOT ACTUALLY YELLING AND I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE BROKEN AND I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU BECAUSE WE BOTH WIN WHEN YOU ARE WORKING PROPERLY. 

IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FORGIVE ME AND JUST LET THINGS GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY USED TO BE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.  


THANKS


-ALLIE


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