Monday, November 2, 2009

I Bet This is How All Great Writers Come Up With Fresh Ideas...

I was having a hard time coming up with ideas for a blog post… so I started walking around my house, looking at things and thinking “what is something funny that I can say about that?"
This is what I came up with:
Furniture:  
It would be really hard to rob a furniture store.  Maybe that’s why we never hear about furniture heists.  They should make jewelry out of furniture and then no one would have to lock their doors ever again.  For this same reason, cash registers should only be filled with quarters.  It would be really hard to outrun the law while carrying a bag of quarters.  And even if you succeeded, you would have only made 39.95.   There must have been a couple nickels in there.  Damn. 
Tortillas:
Tortillas are round.  But is that really the most optimal shape for making a burrito?  I think rectangular would probably be better.   It’s much easier to fold rectangular things.   The original tortillas were round because that is the shape of pans, but modern tortillas have no excuse.  They need to break free of tradition for the sake of innovation.  But I doubt that a tortilla could understand that. 
Stapler:
Why don’t staples come in any other size?  What if I have some documents that need to be stapled, but I have too many documents and the staple doesn’t reach all the way through?  There’s nothing I can do.  Unless I want to buy a staple gun, but those aren’t really staples in the traditional sense.   If I used a staple gun on normal paper documents, I would feel like I was overreacting. 
Box of Cereal:
I bought a box of corn Chex cereal.   I bought it more out of guilt than anything because Chex tries so hard.   I want to say “Chex, I appreciate your intricate pattern of criss-crossing corn, but I don’t think that it is really necessary.  You don’t have to try so hard.  I think people would still enjoy eating you even if you were just a random blob - I mean, look at cornflakes!” 
Whiteout:
Whiteout is cool.  Unless you make a mistake on paper that isn’t white.  That’s funny if you think about it hard enough. 
Toilet Paper:
Did you know that they make toilet paper with cute little pictures on it?  It’s just like normal toilet paper only there are pictures of flowers and rainbows and teddy bears.  I think that the picture toilet paper is for cynical people who enjoy purposefully destroying all that is good and beautiful in the world.  They like seeing that little flower and thinking “I am going to cover you in excrement!” 
TV:
Commercials for HDtv are pretty pointless.  They show you an image that is supposed to be in HD, but if you don’t have HDtv, it just looks like what your regular TV looks like and you won’t really be that impressed.  Only people who already have HDtv’s will be able to fully appreciate HDtv commercials.  Maybe that’s the angle they are going for: “If you want to be impressed by this commercial, you have to buy an HDtv.  Then you can watch this commercial to reassure yourself that you made the right decision.”  



The End.  Maybe.  


P.S. I got internet today.  Kind of.  But I didn't get raped or killed and that is the important part.  


P.P.S.  I have been contacted by a few people about my RSS feed not working.  I would fix it, but I have no idea what's even wrong with it.  Nevertheless, I am going to try to fix it which will probably start out semi-productively until I realize that I'm getting nowhere and then I'll just start clicking on things randomly to see what happens and if it fixed the problem but it probably won't (at least statistically speaking) and I will probably break the internet and then no one will ever get updates from me again.  And they won't be able to look at LOLcats.  That's the real tragedy.  


UPDATE:  I got a very hurtful comment.  I cried and tweeted irrationally.  Then I put on Bruce and now I can pretty much take anything.
  


Bring it, Fucker

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