Tuesday, December 8, 2009

THEY WERE IN MY ROOM THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!

Oh my God, you guys:



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(If you were confused by that picture and/or didn't recognize it, go HERE first.)

How did I not see it before?  (tilt screen back a little when you are looking at the first picture... those are 100% genuine ice-monsters)



Also, I want to thank you guys for so many reasons not the least of which includes alerting me to the existence of ice monsters and pointing out that yeah, maybe I should have looked behind me while I was flipping off my window.

If it was not for you guys, I would have never known that there are ceramic space heaters that DON'T SET THINGS ON FIRE, or that there are plastic sheets that you can melt onto your windows with a hair dryer and then your house will be warmer.   Or that there are probably already rapists and murderers hiding in my room and I'm going to die anyway so why not just sleep in the meth-cellar?  Or that I can use toothpaste to blind the rapists and murderers that are hiding in my room and/or meth-cellar when/if they attack me so I'm pretty much invincible.  Or that, duh, I should use Bruce to stay warm because there's nothing quite as thermally protective as a Snuggie-dragon.  Or that all orcs are rapist-cannibals who also hunger for human flesh, not just the orcs that live in my basement.  Or that there are some places in the world where it is 60 degrees right now and maybe if I ask nice enough I can come visit.

Oh, and I didn't choose to live in Montana, per se.  It just kind of happened.  Like diabetes or getting involved in a game of Risk.

UPDATE:  Okay Sarah P, I'm putting ads in my feed.  And maybe I'll put AdSense on this blog for a few days just to see what kind of targeted ads it comes up with.  I guarantee that there will be some ads for hentai if ads for hentai exist.

UPDATE #2: This is yet another good example of why I love you guys:

Comment from CWD:

"I have been thinking about your Ice Monster Problem, or IMP as I like to think of it. The best solution to you IMP is a homemade flamethrower !

I know you are on a budget so I found a recipe for a $30 homemade flamethrower. It has two major advantages:

1. It’s cheap

2. It is as reliable as a $30 homemade flamethrower. I don’t see a downside.

There are some do’s and don’t’s (see how I had me some fun there at Mr. Apostrophe’s expense?) I think you should consider when operating your $30 homemade flamethrower when dealing with your IMP. Here they are:

DO: wear Bruce so the IM’s (and Orcs! can’t forget them) know you’re serious.

DON’T: ever ever ever say “hey, watch this!” before firing your flamethrower. Saying “hey, watch this!” the most common cause of death or high temperature traumatic exfoliation known to science, this is followed closely by “here, hold my beer”.

DON’T: target IM’s already inside your house, unless, and this is important, you have a bottle of cheap whiskey and a sombrero. See: final scene of John Carpenter’s “The Thing”.

DON’T: for the love of all that is holy watch any of John Carpenter’s “The Thing” but that last scene! Consider the last scene scientific research. This is for your protection, Allie. The Alien DNA stealing touch monsters will horrify you. Based on your reaction to LOTR, you will never willing touch another living thing after viewing JC’s “The Thing”.

DON’T: target Orcs except under controlled conditions. While it’s been my experience that while IM’s get all moan-y and melt-y when hit with a $30 homemade flamethrower, Orcs tend to get scream-y and run-y. They may spread fire in an uncontrolled manner. Once again the cheap whiskey and sombrero exemption applies.

On reviewing this list I am surprised to note that I can only think of one “do” and four “don’t’s” (suck it Mr. Apostrophe! I snicker meanly at you!) to consider when using a $30 homemade flamethrower.

Allie, keep in mind that I usually don’t offer weapons or defense advice, I normally consider it rather psychotic and even a little sad, but you sound as if you have a serious IMP on your hands and I care. Please be safe when using your $30 homemade flamethrower.

Best regards,

CWD"

This almost makes me feel normal. Until I realize that I just Googled "How to make a flame-thrower for under $10" because I don't really have $30 and then I was all disappointed when I couldn't find anything within my price range because PVC pipe is fucking expensive, especially when you have to line it with molten lead.

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