Thursday, April 1, 2010

Apparently I am a Failure at Success

Hi.  I am not coping well with this bit of success I seem to have come across.  It appears that my nervous system is having trouble distinguishing celebratory excitement from extreme danger.



As you can imagine, this has not helped to foster an atmosphere of tranquil creativity.  Every time I sit down to try to write or draw something, I feel like chaos and darkness are going to erupt out of me like some sort of natural disaster laced with PCP and everything I love is going to die.  

Much of this terror may stem from previous experiences with feelings of success. 


The same thing happened when I decided that I wanted to be a psychologist and then a journalist and then a doctor again.    

I want this time to be different.  I want things to work out.  I'm utterly terrified of waking up one morning to find some guy standing over my bed with a flashing neon sign that reads "HAHA.  No one actually likes you!!!  It was all a joke and you fell for it!!!  You idiot!"  

So I've been keeping all my excitement bottled up inside even though I desperately want to tell anyone who will listen about how great my life is right now.  It's partly because I'm superstitious and partly because I believe in at least maintaining the appearance of modesty.  


The combination of feeling like I'm going to die and repressing my happy feelings for fear of looking like an idiot, has made it nearly impossible for me to get my ideas out in a coherent way.  I have a whole binder full of post ideas, but when I try to sit down and actually put them together, it just ends up looking like something created by a schizophrenic baboon with a bear fetish and an endless supply of finger paint; like there's some stupid little guy living in my head and all he wants to write about is bears. 


Anyway, I wanted to let you know what's going on and why I haven't been posting as much.   It will get better.  This has happened before.  Does anybody remember that week where all I posted was a string of Rick Moranis pictures?  And then that somehow turned into a failed side-project called LOLRickMoranis?  That was a shameful time.  However, it seemed to work itself out and everything went back to normal the next week.  Let's all hope that's the case here.   If it isn't, I sincerely hope you enjoy reading about bears as much as I seem to enjoy writing about them.

UPDATE:  Just to clarify, I still want to be famous and win the internet.  It's just that it might take a few days of being a total recluse to get me back to the point where I can write/draw funny things.

UPDATE:  You know what?  Fuck it.


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